Always be building - Day 8
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received in the past year is to “always be building.”
It’s from a mentor of mine whom we had on the podcast and I decided to take his coaching certification. I later ended up working alongside him to create a new program within his business.
The first conversation we had when he mentioned to always be building something was actually around relationships and co-dependency. Even more so it was around the topic of covert contracts: which is essentially a contract that two people have, but only one person knows about it.
Here’s the easiest example I can give.
Let’s say you and I are in a romantic relationship. In fact we live together and are planning on getting married and having kids one day. You have to work late one night so I get home and clean the house, do the dishes, finish the laundry and have dinner ready when you get home. You get home to a candlelit table and are shocked. It is such a good surprise and really means a lot after hard day at work. After dinner you are exhausted and decide to read some of your favorite fiction novel and go to bed early.
Meanwhile, I lay awake pissed. I thought for sure you’d want to have sex after all the things I did today. I cleaned, cooked and went out of my way to surprise you. How annoying.
BAM, that’s a covert contract. I created this story in my head that if I did those things, you would want to have sex. It was a contract I created, but you didn’t know about.
This is one of the best examples but the truth is we create covert contracts with other people every single day. We think in our heads “if I do _____, they will _____ “. And then we are disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
The simple solution would be to ask and communicate our feelings. So why don’t we? It’s often one of two reasons:
The fear of rejection
It’s the thing that will make us feel like a whole human
This goes back to the codependency thing. I know you know somebody who was changed by a relationship. They became a shell of themselves because the became so codependent on a relationship giving them meaning that it was easier to change than be alone.
And this is why you should always be building. Which means always be working toward something and growing.
Working on your business, get fitter, create something, better yourself, learn a skill.
Then when something doesn’t work you don’t have to take it personal and can get back to building.
It removes the fear because whatever decision you are thinking about making isn’t the end all be all.
Ask a girl out and she says no? Cool, go back to building.
Launch a business and it fails? Keep building.
Pitch a new idea to the boss and he doesn’t like it? Keep building.
Social life isn’t working out? Keep building.
One conversation that started around covert contracts and codependency in relationships has led to changing the way I view everything in life. Because when you are always building something it’s easy to be yourself. And being yourself is the only way to live an authentic life that is really fulfilling.
